


Banana Slam-a Jammin' 3: Revenge of the Peen

by loquaciouslass



Series: The Banana Trilogy [3]
Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Blow Jobs, Comedy, Humor, M/M, Smut, chuchu jelly where you definitely shouldn't put it, everyones having fun, handjobs, humping, in this one there's dicks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 10:26:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10534575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loquaciouslass/pseuds/loquaciouslass
Summary: A month. A month of tongues and teasing and Master Kohga is sick of it. It’s time to mount an attack and get rid of the hero once and for all.At least, that’s the plan.





	

One whole month. 

 

One. Whole. Month. 

 

The hideout stank of sweat and semen, all hormones running wild as the remnants of whatever encounter the Yiga had with the hero came to a head- very literally. The place was a hive of sexual escapades and filthy, filthy corridors. 

 

Master Kohga had never been so damn happy that he kept the little kiddie Yiga- the actual kiddies, with parents and such- far away from the hideout. First, it’d seemed like safety. Now it seemed like some kind of moral duty. The hero’s banana fondling had started something, torn the band-aid away from the wound until it was spurting. 

 

_ Literally _ , in many cases. Master Kohga had lost track of how many times he’d had to remind them to wear condoms or take pills or, for the love of all that was holy,  _ stop putting chuchu jelly near their junks. _ It was exhausting. It was embarrassing. It was also all the stupid hero’s fault. 

 

He grumbled as the thought of him, shirtless and lit by a fire made something swell inside. There was nothing quite like it. Kohga hadn’t expected to be telling himself the truth when it came to irresistible heroic charms, but by god, it was true. Since that night he hadn’t been able to stop himself. 

 

Or to cum, which was even worse. Whether by some horrible curse or divine prank, no matter how many times he tried to yank it to something sensible, like bananas or that fine swords-master with the buns or a wonderful pair of hydromelons, it always came back to the same image. The hero, with blood and bruises and adoration in his eyes, lips wrapped around Kohga’s cock, hands tied and unable to touch himself. Straining against his pants, or maybe naked, but completely unattended. No one paying attention to his poor little dick, not until he got a taste of how much he’d been bothering Kohga. 

 

Fuck though, it was a good image. If it had been anyone else, the thought alone would have sent him into a furious masturbation marathon, pushing himself to the edge until he could see into the future. 

 

With the hero though, it was a challenge. A reality that he could make it so. If Kohga wasn’t supposed to dish it out unless he could take it, then by god, he was going to show short, blond and pretty how he could dish it out. 

Little Hero definitely wouldn’t be able to take what he had in mind. No, what he had in mind was going to be the worst sort of torture for someone that loved to be in control. 

 

It definitely wasn’t just a way to indulge his fantasies. No way. Master Kohga was the most dedicated follower of Calamity Ganon, and this was going to be a good old fashioned torture/death. No ifs, ands or buts. 

 

...Alright, maybe a couple of butts. 

  
  


No one had returned Link’s clothes to him, and apparently he couldn’t be bothered to find anything else aside from the traditional gerudo garb. He was dozing by the fire, a meat skewer cooking as the sun set. It smelt wonderful. Kohga really would have to see if Link had written down his recipes anywhere, or maybe just coax them out of him…

 

Still, that was besides the point. Kohga crept up to the fireside, casting a shadow over the hero. Link looked up, eyeing him up and down, and gave him a lazy smile.

 

“Nice to see your banana too.” 

 

God fucking damn it. Kohga turned to the side, folding his arms, looking down on the hero like he was nothing more than dirt beneath his foot. 

 

“I can still see it. You said it was natural, you know.”

 

God  _ fucking _ damn it. 

 

“Like you’re in any position to be  _ talking _ ,” Kohga sneered, “Look at you! Stripped of protection with nothing but pretty silk. My clan have taken everything from you, and you still think you can be cocky?” 

 

Link blinked at him and pointed at his crotch. “You look cockier than me.” 

 

“ _ Stop pointing at my dick!”  _

 

“But it’s just there. Tenting your pants. That’s kind of impressive, actually, how big is that thing? Is it a real mighty banana? A carrot we’ve got to endure? Or are you a speedy type?” 

 

That was the final straw, Kohga snapped and rushed forwards, tackling Link to the ground and snarling in his face. 

 

“I am trying to be a  _ serious threat _ here, the guy who  _ stabbed you _ and you just keep making  _ dick puns! _ Don’t you have any respect!?” 

 

“No.” Link looked proud of himself, even as he was pinned to the ground, “I don’t know why I should respect anyone.” 

“We captured you!”

 

“And I got away.”

 

“My clan killed you, all those years ago, we ripped your forces to shreds and you didn’t- you don’t-” 

 

The crackling fire was the only noise left. Kohga relaxed his grip and Link looked up at him, owlish and quiet. His brow had twisted, like it was trying to solve a riddle where half the words had faded away. 

 

“This may be...a bad time for it.” Link said, finally, “But I...really don’t know who you are. I don’t know who  _ anyone  _ is. Far as I’m concerned, you’re a weird ninja with a cute tummy.” 

 

Kohga squinted at him. He knew Link could lie. He knew Link could do a lot of things, but for once the fog seemed to have vanished from his gaze and only left an empty stare. No light of familiarity, sparkling hatred or determined dedication. There was nothing there. 

 

Suddenly, the weight of the month crashed upon him and his bones felt heavy. Master Kohga fell forwards, all his weight on top of his enemy before he heaved out a sigh. 

 

“You don’t remember a thing and you still come after us. You really are an attack dog.” 

 

“That’s...fair.” Kohga heard the voice start to fade. “Are you going to get off of me? You’re heavy.” 

 

“Mm...no. No, I don’t think so.”

 

Link started to squirm. Wow, that was bringing back memories fast, among other things, and his dick started to rise to attention again. No doubt he’d notice soon enough. Hah, it really was time to see if he could put his money where his mouth was. 

 

“You feel that?” He whispered into Link’s ear, “You might like to insult it, but I take care of my cock. And if you’re not careful, you’ll make me cum in these pants.” 

 

“So?” He said, voice wavering a little. “That’s your problem, not mine. Take ‘em off if it’s such a problem.” 

 

“I don’t think you quite get it,” Kohga ground his hips down, enough to make Link gasp. “If I cum in these, you’ll be cleaning them up. I’ll get you on your knees and make you lick it clean, until every last speck of it is down your throat.” 

 

“Not happening.” 

 

“It’s. It’s dirty talk.” 

 

“Yeah, energetic dirty talk. Can you grind your hips again? That was nice.” 

 

Kohga paused. The fantasies were slowly turning to reality before him before crumbling away, because the hero’s personality was less ‘sweetie tease who can’t take it’ and more “pillow princess who refuses to move unless he’s going to actually die.’ 

 

Still, he could work with pillow princess. He pulled away, ignoring the whine, before gathering Link up and vanishing into a puff of red and paper. They dropped out onto a futon, silk sheets slipping beneath them. Link’s eyes were wide. 

 

“I really could make you do anything you know. You’re so tiny.” 

 

“Okay, that’s more like it.” 

 

“What?”

 

“Listen, you can do pretty much  _ anything  _ to me so long as I get a nap afterwards and I don’t have to move. Impale me on your mighty Yiga Blade and feed my hungry hole the banana.” 

 

“If you ever say that again I am going to find your goddess, pull her from the heavens and force her to look upon your disgusting face.” 

 

“Kinky.”

 

“Oh my god,  _ stop talking. _ ” Kohga groaned. “You are making it really hard to just fuck you rather than stabbing you right now and fucking the hole in front of a shrine.” 

 

Link went quiet for a moment. 

 

“So you’re a necro-”

 

Really, it was probably a better idea to have gagged him with the banana from the start. It was like putting a blanket over a budgie, but instead of putting it to sleep, it made the awful hell-noises his mouth made turn into breathy mumbles. Master Kohga stared down, pleased with his handiwork, a clothed-by-technicality hero laid out on his bed, ready to take his banana. 

 

“You’ve got  _ me _ thinking about it now,” he said, shucking off his pants and underwear before settling on top of Link once more. “You’ve got a filthy mouth. I could think of a few more things to plug it up with, you know, but you can’t even let me get to that.” Kohga sighed and rolled his hips, watching as the thin fabric tented. “You’re such a pain.” 

 

The hero was making all sorts of soft sounds behind that gag, getting harder and harder as Kohga rubbed up against him. The silk felt like it was giving his dick a massage. Or maybe that was just the satisfaction of  _ finally _ being able to take out some of this  _ frustration _ on someone…

Lube, though, he needed lube if this was going to be any sort of  _ fun-  _ rummaging around in that bag, finding something smooth and cool and slopping it on his cock ready to go but-

 

“ _ FUCKING HELL!” _ Master Kohga shouted. Link bit through the banana and spat it out, staring at him with the same sort of horror he’d shown at the Bananas and the Hydromelons seminar. “What? What did you do?!”

 

“What’s in that  _ bag?!” _

 

“I-Why did you just put your hand in my bag!? You’ve seen in my bag! I didn’t think you were gonna try and smash anal here and now!”

 

“ _ I wasn’t!” _

 

“Then why were you slamming  _ white chuchu jelly _ onto your damn-” 

 

The door to his private quarters creaked open. Inside the doorway were Yiga, sickles and blades ready to go. 

 

“...I thought you said we weren’t supposed to put chuchu on our-”

 

“Magdal,” Kohga gritted out, “Shut your mouth and get me a towel. Right. Now.” 

  
  


So in the end, no one ended up particularly dead. Humiliated, sticky and unhappy, yes, but not dead. It left the hideout in an uneasy sort of peace, because on one hand, the object of their ire was sitting, mostly naked, in the middle of the fort. On the other hand, he’d been fucking their boss. No one knew what to do. 

 

Well, Link did apparently, as he’d taken to flirting with every ninja that passed him by, often through the medium of fruit. So not only was Master Kohga left with a warm compress, wrapped in a towel around his aching ding-a-ling, he was also forced to listen to all the squeaks and breathy half-moans from outside. 

 

“This is a disaster,” he grumbled. There was more giggling. “An  _ embarrassing  _ disaster.” 

 

“Whoa, okay, can you just-”

 

“Pft, yeah, give me a second-”

 

“It better be a second, my prick’s gonna explode-”

 

“Hylia’s name,  _ fine _ , hump some guts while you wait, I just gotta do something-”

 

And the door burst open. There was a mostly naked and grinning hero boy, standing in front of Kohga like the cat that got the cream. He groaned. 

“What do you  _ want? _ ”

 

“A nap, mostly.”

 

“Great, get tied to a headboard so Magdal can shove all sorts of things up your ass.” 

 

“Yeah, I’m about to do that.” He walked closer, leaning over Kohga. “But first, I think I owe you something.” 

 

“And what would that beeeeee-!” 

 

Link’s hand, warm and calloused, rubbed against his shaft. Kohga choked. The warm compress dropped to the side, forgotten, and suddenly he had a hero on his knees. 

 

Up and down, slow strokes, all building pressure up inside his belly, moans louder because now they were from  _ him _ . It was hot, sweat building up as Link didn’t let up on his dick, at least until he decided to wrap his lips around the head and  _ sucked. _

 

Kohga was finished. 

 

The hero didn’t swallow, he noted, as he heard the spitting sound. Link looked proud. 

 

“I’m gonna go have fun with your clan now.” 

 

“Mhm.”

 

“We’re even?”

 

“M..hm.” 

 

“Great! Next time, you’re doing all the work.”

 

Next time? He stared at Link, who was starting to get  _ that _ smile again, the smile of a million corpses at his feet. 

 

“You still owe me one after all that humping.” 

 

And he was gone. The giggling started up once more, all moans and sighs and “don’t stops”. There were no chuchu jellies though, which was a plus. 

 

Kohga looked at the mess on the floor and on his dick, before shutting his eyes. 

  
Thinking about what to do  _ next  _ could wait until tomorrow. 

**Author's Note:**

> I N H A L E D O N G S


End file.
